Joe, a Typical Hero of the Future: The Galactic Agency of Evil

Joe returned to his own universe just in time to see his ship pop out of hyperspace. The computer screen in front of him, which eerily resembled ancient computer monitors used on Earth in the 1970's, alerted Joe to the fact that they had just entered the Iivrlulr system and that the fifth planet in the system, inappropriately named Iivrlulr VII, contained sentient life. Joe decided to explore the planet. He pressed a few buttons on the console (even though speech recognition had been commonly available on computers since the 21st century, Typical Heroes of the Future rarely took advantage of it) and his ship turned and proceeded towards Iivrlulr VII.

As Joe steered the ship into a low orbit above the clouds that slightly obscured the bluish-grey planet, he read about the Iivrlulrians from the computer screen. Even though Iivrlulrians look just like humans, they have a unique body chemistry in that, when sober, they act like most other species do when incredibly intoxicated, but that drinking alcohol "sobers" them up, the reverse of most other species in the galaxy. As well, the Iivrlulrians were one of the few races in the galaxy to unlock the secret of how to produce alcoholic beverages containing more than 100% alcohol.

The text on the screen went on to note that the ancient Iivrlulrians had discovered distillation long before they discovered agriculture. Years ago, before the Iivrlulrians had discovered space flight, some of their anthropologists had shown that discovering distillation before agriculture was impossible and pointed to this fact as evidence that they had been visited by a more advanced race from outer space. Later on, other anthropologists proved that it was impossible for any civilisation to discover agriculture before discovering distillation. Other anthropologists soon showed that all discoveries have as prerequisites all other discoveries and that, therefore, galactic civilisation is an illusion, a hoax, or an incredibly bad joke. These scientists then retired and spent the rest of their illusory lifetimes enjoying the best that this illusion, hoax, or joke had to offer.

Joe decelerated his spaceship as it entered Iivrlulr VII's atmosphere, and directed the spaceship in the direction of the city Wiie. He obtained clearance to land at one of that city's spaceports, and steered his spaceship into one of the hundreds of landing bays arranged in a large circle. He parked next to a small, jet black ship. No other ships were parked nearby.

Joe ordered his hyperscooter to come out of his spaceship, and he got on. Looking at a map of Wiie on his watch, Joe decided to proceed east, towards the city centre. After proceeding several blocks, Joe noticed a police siren behind him. Looking behind him, he saw a police hyperscooter approaching. Joe pulled over, waiting for the hyperscooter to pass, which it didn't. Instead, it pulled up right behind him. A burly police officer dismounted from the hyperscooter.

"Hey, buddy, have you been drinking?" the officer asked Joe.

"No, I haven't", replied Joe.

"You sure?"


The policeman took the backpack he was wearing off of his shoulders. The policeman then said "Open up!" to the backpack, which proceeded to do so. He reached in and produced an enormous bottle, filled with a liquid. He gave it to Joe, saying "In that case, you'd better drink this!"

"But, I'm not a...", replied Joe.

"Don't give me any excuses. There's no excuse for driving sober.", interrupted the policeman. Joe read the label on the bottle, and noticed that the drink inside contained 138% alcohol, by volume.

"Well? What are you waiting for?", said the policeman. "Drink it. Now."

Joe unscrewed the bottle cap and tossed it onto the sidewalk, where it rolled along for a while. Then, a tiny Iivrlulrian dog tripped on it, falling into the road. A hyperscooter flying along at that time swerved to avoid the dog. The hyperscooter's driver then lost control of his vehicle and drove into a tree in a forest alongside the road. The tree flew by a window in a nearby apartment building. A resident of the building happened to look out the window at that exact time, saw the tree fly by, and decided that it was time for a drink. He opened a bottle and tossed the bottle cap out of the window. The tiny dog then proceeded to trip on that bottle cap, causing him to fall back into the road and causing another hyperscooter to swerve and fly into a tree in the nearby forest, causing in turn the tree to fly by a nearby apartment building, causing another resident of the apartment to open a bottle and throw the cap out the window. This process went on for a little while until the trees in the forest were completely replaced with hyperscooters, and there was a huge pile of bottle caps next to the tiny dog. The traffic cop paid no heed, apparently more concerned with Joe's serious traffic violation.

Meanwhile, Joe took a small sip from the bottle. As the burning liquid descended his throat, Joe felt his brain cells packing up and leaving. Joe took a few more sips and felt the rest of his brain, not to mention the external world, begin to disappear.

"Can't you drink that any faster? I haven't got all day", said a disembodied voice. Joe turned around to see where the voice was coming from, lost his balance, grasped a handlebar of his hyperscooter, and noticed that a policeman was there. Joe tentatively raised the bottle to his lips and drained the bottle.

"That's better", said the policeman, taking back the bottle from the staggering Joe. The policeman hopped back onto his scooter and drove away. Joe staggered onto his scooter, started it up, and proceeded to drive into a huge pile of bottle caps. He momentarily regained control, such as it was, of his hyperscooter, but then accidentally steered into a narrow alleyway and crashed into an astrobrick wall. Joe then passed out.

When Joe awoke, he decided to proceed on foot, rather than on his hyperscooter, which was now a small tin plate. After a few steps, he felt his foot bump into a metal object. Looking down, he saw a laser gun. He tried to bend down, but instead fell over. He then picked up the gun and himself. Noticing that the gun had an interesting logo on it, Joe put it in his left jacket pocket.

Joe then saw a door, opened it and walked through it. He found himself in a pub. He staggered to the bar and clumsily took a seat. There were several Iivrlulrians sitting at the bar. One of them said, "Well, it looks like you really need a drink".

"Indeed", said a second Iivrlulrian. "Barkeep, pour the man a Sanitizer", and tossed the bartender a few credits. The bartender shortly returned with a foaming, steaming drink. Joe showed unprecedented restraint and downed the drink in two sips.

"Sho, what ish the alcoholic conten' of thish dring?", slurred Joe.

"About 187%", replied the bartender.

"Looks like you still need another drink", said the first Iivrlulrian. "Bartender, another three Sanitizers for my dry friend here, on me."

More than a dozen of these drinks later, Joe got up from the bar, ostensibly to visit the washroom, but really so that his brain and liver cells could formulate a plan of defence. However, Joe chose the wrong door and ended up walking out the back door into a dark alley, where he passed out again.

Joe awoke in the alley shortly. Staggering through the streets of the city, Joe saw a large parade going past him. He lurched across the street, barely missing a holofloat, and walked on. He noticed that several of the lampposts were adorned with posters advertising a meeting, and that the posters had interesting logos on them. Joe proceeded along the street, passing a large building, and a few aliens from the planet Zrk't'tjkwaren'tthereanyvowelsinthisname, immediately recognisable by their fluorescent pink skin. He then passed a somewhat tall humanoid walking by, and immediately sobered up. Recognising the man as a member of the low-key Galactic Agency of Evil, he turned around and called back at him.

"Hey, aren't you a member of -", said Joe.

The man turned around. He paled somewhat as he saw Joe, but quickly recovered. "Aack, Joe... That's right, I'm a member of the - da da da dum da dum - Galac-".

"Hey, no 'da da da dum da dum'. It should be 'You're a member of the "dum da dum dum" Galactic-'", said Joe.

"No, I like 'da da da dum da dum' much better. Let's try that again. I'm a member of the-"

"... Dum da dum dum ..."

"No, no, no, it's 'Da da da dum da dum'!"

"Enough of this", said Joe, abruptly halting discussion by unsheathing the laser pistol that he found. Backing up a bit, the man noticed the logo on Joe's weapon.

"Hey, you're also a member of - da da-", the man started to say.

"No! Don't start that!", said Joe, glancing at his pistol, and noticing to his horror that it had the insignia of the Galactic Agency of Evil. "And, no, I'm not a member of the Galactic Agency of Evil! I mean, I'm not a member of the - dum da dum dum - Galactic Agency of Evil!"

"Well, in that case..." said the man, as he started to reach for his holster. Joe interrupted him with a burst of laser fire, and the man broke into a run in the direction from which Joe had come. He ran towards a large building, which Joe noticed was a Galactic Agency of Evil clubhouse. The door evaporated and the man went through it. Joe barely managed to follow him into the clubhouse before the door solidified again.

The entranceway to the clubhouse, while quite dark, was only slightly darker than the rest of the building, and significantly less dark than the thoughts of its inhabitants. There was a stairway to Joe's left, a table a few feet in front of him with several people sitting around it, and several doors on the right hand side. Joe saw the person he was chasing ascend the staircase, and he followed. Several of the people sitting at the table, many of whom Joe knew to be top Galactic Agency of Evil marksmen, fired at Joe at point-blank range, and all of them missed completely.

The man that Joe was chasing ran from one upstairs room to another, from which he took a small item, and then from there to yet another. Along the way, he said "Da da da dum da dum! There, I said it!". He then ran back downstairs. Joe followed him, dodged another round of laser pistol fire from the people sitting around the table, and lept out of the door just before it resolidified. One of the agency members got up from the table and tried to chase Joe, but was a nanosecond too late in reaching the now-solidified door. Before he got up and evaporated the door again, Joe was well ahead.

The man whom Joe was chasing ran along the sidewalk again, passing several posters advertising a meeting of the Galactic Agency of Evil. The man then ran into a street where a Galactic Agency of Evil Pride Parade (GAE Pride Parade for short) was going on (many Galactic Agency of Evil members have chronic low self-esteem as a result of being called evildoers by virtually everyone else in the galaxy, and need to put on a parade from time to time to boost their self-esteem). The man ran across the street between two holofloats. Joe pursued him, dodging a few marchers.

Joe continued chasing after the man as he went towards the spaceport. The man lept into the spaceship next to Joe's (a standard Galactic Agency of Evil fighter) and took off. Joe followed in his spaceship, but the fighter was now well ahead of Joe and appeared to be intending to jump into hyperspace shortly. With a burst of speed, Joe closed in on it.

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